the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
