May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
