you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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