Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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