his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Im part way to drunk.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
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