Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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