Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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