i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
