How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
