Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
