why didn't you poke me back
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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