i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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