I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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