I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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