If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
