haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
