So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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