sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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