It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
