So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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