Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
