kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize