My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Randomize
