I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
