i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
