today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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