I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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