my phone needs a breathalizer
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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