Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
