there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
