Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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