guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
