the day after is always just damage control
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
