Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
