I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
