oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
