Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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