she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I just gift wrapped bread.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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