why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
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