I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize