I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
