drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
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