then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize