Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
