I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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