Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
