He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
