I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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