I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Randomize
