If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
