Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
