How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
