I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
