peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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