It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Randomize
