I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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