so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
