Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
