hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
