I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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